Mysore - I bid you adieu!

6th May 2007 - I miss the Chamundi Express to Mysore. Somehow manage to arrive still.
The beauty of the campus captivates me.
5th June 2007 - I move into my rented house. It soon becomes home. Though I don't quite like the workplace, I feel good at home.
7th September 2007 - Moving out. Bidding goodbye to the beautiful city.

I remember the tears trickling down my face when I had known that I shall be in Mysore for good. Fast forward and a silent tear wells up again when its time to bid goodbye to it.
Its strange how this city has made me feel. Its strange for me to say that I will miss it somewhere. I have cribbed enough over the fact that I was here but there is no denying that this city will somewhere be a part of me forever. The face of this city will occupy a permanent corner in my heart.

Having lived in a big city all my life, this was an experience for me. I can say that there is no denying that this place is beautiful. I love the weather here, the rains and the gulmohur trees. I love my house. It was a luxurious place to stay in. I was surprised but yes, the road is a main road. The buses going uphill wake me up every morning. I will miss the walk to the bus stop. There have been days when I have walked down this road and felt the closest I could to nature. I can't pinpoint why. Its a small place. No malls, no theatres. Most people speak Kannada. and I know what to say when they speak to me in Kannada - Kannada gote illa ( I don't know Kannada). Its strange how strangely xenophobic I have felt here sometimes. Like a foreigner. Have met some nice people here. Some not so nice.
Work wise this city hasn't given me much. The kitchen in my house here is where I have learnt to cook. I love the Mysore palace and being a guide for it. I have been there too many times. I have wanted my family and all my friends to come and visit me here. I have wanted to show my home to them, my city, the places I have discovered here. I feel a certain amount of possessiveness with this city, because I am the only one here amongst all my friends. So I feel that its my city where I want to show them around, where I want to be their host.
Life in this city is not as fast as it is in others. My company is probably valued most by the people here. They feel they owe something to the company because they have helped in its development. And this gratefulness makes me feel nice that I am a part of this organisation. There have been very few times when I have felt this otherwise. People here are simple, very. Those handful of nice eating joints that we have discovered here some how mean something to me.
There have been times when I have felt bored in this city. Super bored. And I have wanted to just escape from here.
There have also been times when I have felt that I want to retire in the peace and tranquility of this city, sitting in a rocking chair in my balcony with ear plugs in my ears and a book in my hand.
Strange gestures I have come across. Like my milkman shaking hands and wishing me independence day when he came to deliver milk on the 15th of Aug. In a big city, no one would care a damn to do that.
Auto wallahs have recognised us and greeted us at the bus stop. Could'nt imagine this in a place other than Mysore.
I have felt what it means to provide employment. My servant calls me 'amma' and she started to cry when she got to know that I am leaving. She got me a note in Hindi written from some one saying that -' please ask the next owner of the house to employ me'. She thought that I didn't understand that when she tried saying the same thing to me in the morning in Kannada. I wanted to tell her that I had just begun to understand her. And yes, I was surprised to find my throat choking when she brought me that note. I guess I will buy her a gift before I leave.

Though I have cried here over my loneliness and over work, I will miss Mysore. I will miss my house. Sorry, home.

I bid you goodbye Mysore. And leave you with the hope that I will be back sometime, maybe to fulfil my retirement dream! Till then, be as you are. Don't turn into what a big city is. Stay like this always!

Blabber!

Scene 1: Waking up on a week day morning and not wanting to go to work.
Scene 2: Waking up on a weekend and thinking how the day will see its end. Another day to be passed.
Scene 3: A smile on the face at night after knowing that another day is some how over.

Now, freeze these scenes in your mind.

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view-until you climb into his skin and walk around in it". This is what Atticus said to Scout Finch in To Kill a Mocking Bird. And so, when there is someone who says that I should do this and do that, I get reminded of Atticus. He was wiser than you and me. Anyway, why am I justifying. Its my writing space and I am writing for myself.
Imagine that you are alone in a big two bedroom house alone for 2 days. After a not-at-all-hectic 5 day week, even if you pray to get some sleep, you don't. Yes, you have the phone and the Internet with you if you call it anything close to your interaction with human existence. And Imagine, when in such a situation you feel that you wish anybody could tell you to go to office. Revert to Scene 1. Is this what you call an irony?
Picture this! You so want to go a holiday for the extended weekend and you can't go, not because you don't have money.But because you don't have the right company.
Money. I have been quite intrigued with this. People have such different concepts about money. I pity those for whom earning money is the end all and be all of life. Money is important, no doubt! The laptop and the internet connection I am using right now all come for some amount of money. I recognise that.
But then, isn't money a hygiene factor and not a motivator? Should'nt it be a means to an end and not an end in itself? I really believe in this. That money is a means to an end and not an end in itself. Another irony of my life? Yes, another! I don't get anything apart from money in my current job.Nothing! And the fact remains that I never wanted to work for money anyway!
But then I guess we all learn to get along with the system, fake a smile, lie, and compliment. And I will also learn this. Its just a matter of time. Maybe I shall also learn. Maybe I better learn!

Boredom

Sleep. Scrap.Check many profiles. Mail. Scribble.Games.Read one page, flip two more, go back and read another page, shut it, go back to it, read a page, flip two more. SMS. Call. Chat. Eat. Sleep.Scrap.Login.Logout. Scribble.Weep.Sleep.Change channels.Walk. Stretch.Newspaper.Sudoku.Calvin. Hobbes. Horoscope.Blogger.Job Sites.Refresh. Scrap. Sleep.

"Life is like a twice told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man".
How is it for you?

The first pessimist

Some one wrote:

Love resides in the gap between desire and fulfilment
It breathes in the lack not the contentment
It is the ache, the anticipation, the retreat
Everything around it but the emotion itself.

This is what I wrote back:

Disappointment resides when the gap is never bridged
There is so much lack I cannot breathe
The ache, the anticipation dosen't end
What remains is just a mixed bag of emotions.

I sometimes feel that I was the first pessimist born on this planet. Some would refuse to agree with me on this because I keep up a smiling face most of the time. But, these days, I am a perpetually cribbing woman. I 've always been a pessimist. I have always looked at the negative side of things first. Sometimes this pessimism just surfaces more often compared to other times and these days have been those days. And when the ocean of pessimism inside me is too full, then I indulge in high doses of humor. The child within me comes alive. I crack the silliest of jokes and laugh at myself. Or it is then that I write, write to my hearts content; till it fills the emptiness, the lack. And it is then that I feel content.
To all those whom I have troubled with my pessimism, I hereby apologize. But I promise, that I will continue.!

In a meeting

Dazed, confused, lost.
Foggy, misty, hazy.
In a meeting,
I grapple with business jargon.
I find myself misplaced
Displaced.
I scribble.
Staring at a phone pretending to listen.
In an unknown land,
Lost as always!!

Reflections

Song Playing: Humsafar, Silk route

" Sur se saji geeton si teri yaad,
Tujh bin sanam, bhaye na koi baat
Kaise kaho, akele chaloon aaj
Aao sanam, Soone hain dil ke saaz. "

I dedicate this verse to all those wonderful few with whom I have spent the two most beautiful two years of my life.

As I was alone in a big house and a small city for the entire weekend, not having any human presence around me, just a cell phone that I used to connect to a few people, there were loads of thoughts which crossed my mind.

I miss all my friends, some more, some less. If God asked me for one wish, I would wish to have them with me to laugh with, to crib to, to fight with, to love, to care.

Some of my friends envy my chilled out work life. But work life sucks.I want something more challenging, something to look forward to everyday. I can chill when I am 50. I want to work, I want to kick this job only if I get something better and I am willing to take a risk. When will I take a risk, when I am 50? when i have the lives of 2 more people attached to mine? No, i want something more out of my work life !

A friend whom I spoke to on the phone made a comment - " That X is bored with life is because she is single and she would be happier if she had someone to share things with". I don't blame her for saying something like this because she feels that having a guy has made a difference to her life. A large part of her life now revolves around that one person. And maybe she is right. I have seen a certain excitement in people who are in love.They say love is magical.Is it the idea of being in love that is magical? I wonder.

But what is true love? Does it exist in the first place? If it did, there wouldn't be too many broken relationships. And Love at first sight is what I absolutely don't believe in. Love is about discovering a person, about knowing him too well to think he is predictable and then being surprised at that moment when you thought he was predictable.It is about the connect, the chemistry, probably something like that between the characters in the movie Before Sunrise. Maybe my picture is Utopian. I don't blame myself. I have never been in love. I might be lying when I say that, I am quite a liar.

There is another friend who says - " A guy and a girl can never be just friends. There has to be something between them, from one side at least." Again these are comments which get me thinking. Probably this was true in the previous era when there was not so much interaction between guys and girls and hence there was an obvious attraction, but I don't agree with her if she says that it still holds true.

If a woman is single, its just because the right person has not come across yet. I think there is a certain independence in being single. She dosen't have to hang up while talking to a friend saying that he is on call waiting, phone calls are not restricted to one person, daily activities need not be reported to someone, she dosen't need to go invisible on chat, just because now he has come online, she doesn't need to worry about his insecurity when she goes for a movie with a male friend and at the same time she need not feel insecure about his female friends. It saves so much trouble, But yes, when this single woman gets friendly with a guy, he might think she is available just because she is single and if she is close to a male friend who is committed, she might have to face insecurities of his girlfriend.But then, Is love about finding the right person or about creating the right relationship?

And what about lost love? I want to quote Mitch Albom from 'The Five people you meet in Heaven' :
"Lost Love is still love. It just takes a different form. You can't see their smile or move them around a dance floor.But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it.You dance with it.Life has to end.Love doesn't."
But memories will fade with time. In the hurried existence called life, who has the time to nurture memories?

But yes, there is a need for companionship. Sometimes, I've felt lonely, I've felt broken from inside and then I've felt the need to have someone to hug and to pour out all my worries and all my thoughts to. A human and not this 12 inches by 6 inches keyboard.

A comedy of errors

Dreams, desires, and aspirations
They seem to be just words to me today.
As I hear stories of people around me
The dictionary seems to lie to me today.

Some struck by boredom,
Some disappointed,
A few tired souls
And some minds now rusted.

The proportion of sorrows and joys vary
My share seems to be abundant with the former.
Its just a matter of time, I tell myself.
And I happen to see life laughing at me from the corner.

Expectations have died
And I've been disillusioned by life.
Be it a tragedy or a comedy of errors,
Each one of us has a different tale to tell, is what i realise.

Just one more....

When too much sorrow
and too much pain
When disappointment and disgust
They fill my brain.
I shut up my mind
The voices inside it get broken.
I don't let the floodgates
Of my desires open.
Some expression
Some quietude
A little disbelief
This mind full of disputes.
When sleep is therapeutic
And escapism is magic.
When humor takes on a new colour.
The once bright hopes turn duller.
When I feel diseased
In the grip of a mysterious ailment that kills
From the divine doctor I seek
Nothing more than just one more happiness pill.

Voices and Noises

The bus engine roars when it goes uphill
The motorcycle speeds by
The mobile phone rings
The little baby cries.

The pressure cooker whistles,
The dripping tap adds to the noise.
Raindrops fall on the tin roof,
And water flows by.

The coffee vending machine makes noise
I hear the sound of the lady's heels on the marble floor
I hear my fingers on the keyboard as I type this
So many sounds, so many noises; most of them I ignore.

Some conversations of meaning
Some meaningless chatter
In random conversations I indulge,
For leisure sake; so how does it matter?

Some noises I fear; Some voices I long to hear
The music, the guitar I hear not
Not even the giggles, the laughs
Or the voices of those near and dear.

Noises aplenty,
Voices unheard.
A few words spoken
Many unspoken words.

As I walk down the path, I ponder
The noise of my footsteps follow me on the route
And I can't help but wonder
What is life like for the deaf and the mute?

Happyness

I have a friend who says that I need to learn to be happy, that I must know how to be happy and find happiness and it will come on its own. I want to ask her -In the past I have never made an effort to be happy but I have still found happiness. How did it happen then? I remember from a recent movie that no one finds happiness. Its just a pursuit of happiness. Good weather makes me happy.The sight of a little child clinging to its mother makes me happy. A call from an old friend makes me happy. A word of encouragement makes me happy. Life is strange; it gives you happiness in the most unexpected ways and happiness is quite ephemeral; it leaves you the minute you start feeling it the most. There are little moments which give me happiness and most miniscule moments that make me unhappy. We as humans have so many desires - things, people, places. If i close my eyes I can paint a perfect picture of my life; sometimes I feel I am just so close to painting it for myself, sometimes I feel its just so distant. The spiritual man whose writings I follow says - When you want something, there is a certain joy in wanting it, getting it. But the minute you get it, you make it ugly. You destroy the beauty. So maybe I am better off with that perfect picture on the canvas of my mind and maybe happiness is just a never ending pursuit. And maybe I should know how to be happy or perhaps learn to be happy.

Do you know where I can learn?

The IMI I miss

The IMI I miss.
The Gym classroom. The Brick walls. Another brick in the wall.
The tuck shop.The cigarette smoke.The 50 Bucks recharges. The Yellow Lays. The chocolates.
The breakfast sms.The missed calls for lunch and dinner. The bad food in the mess.
The Priya and saket.The dark temptation of barista.The slice of Italy chocolate mousse.
The passive smoking of Ultra Milds.
The bad songs on priyanka's laptop.
The movies on LAN.
The dylan songs. The dylan friend.
The fights. The hugs.The elevator.
The coffee in the mess.
The winter chill. The multiple layers of woolens.
The amphi mornings. The coffee. The Hindu. The crossword. The Sudoku.
The hot room. The cold room. The warm room. Priyanka. Her huge blanket.The amplified voice. The excel sheets.Entering the room late at night.
The headaches. The bad food. The packing, unpacking every 3 months.
The Chhavi, her idioscyncracies. Her philosophy. Kala Aparajita. Her coffee. The Aurobindo Ashram. The mindless giggling. The face packs. Her big eyes. The kajal. Her farewell speech.
The Soma, her blog. Her books.
The Raghu, the play. The walk in CP, the perenially cribbing Prakriti. Her car, the drives. Twenty four seven at 3 o clock in the night.
The Books, the music, the blog.The Gtalk. The Orkut.
The D3, the mess there. The Shivam in front of the mirror, The guitar lying there.
The Ishan, everything about him.
The walks till IIFT. The Parantha, the paneer, the cream bell icecream.
The rockland Hospital, the cafe. The cetrizines, etc. The katwaria, the green park.
The Lajpat, the Sabhyata.
The Library. The NS.
The Gossips. The washing machine.
The hair now straight, the comments galore.
The Preetha. Her music, the philosophy. The lawyer. My tears, my secret vault. The C43 i ran to when my eyes welled up.
The youtube. The music. The guitar. The DJ. The Drink. The dance. The Shakira, the Hips dont lie. The D Block Terrace. The beer and smoke there.
The Garima. Her songs, her Innocence. The MR she feared. The lessons she taught.
The cellphone and bunch of keys perpetually in my hand.
The Dilli haat, the JNU, the Sanjay Van. The IIMA.The Rishikesh trip.
The Goodbyes. The final journey with Aditi and Ishan. The journey I wish had not happened. The IMI i miss. The IMI i wish i was still in.

How to sit on a bench

Are you wondering what's the big deal? Let me tell you, its a very difficult task, a mammoth one. I'm sure all of us have sat on a bench in school or college and have been addressed as back benchers at some point of time. I still remember the professor saying - " Last Bench!! Out of the class!!" . So whats the big deal? Why this article on " How to sit on a bench".? "C'Mon Man! I already know that! " - Did I hear you say that?

Well you are highly mistaken. Sitting on a bench is not as easy as it may sound. You think you want to go back to school and learn the art, forget it! You don't need to. This phase comes much later in life, and you really need to learn it "On the JOB!!"....

To sit on a bench, there are certain eligibilty criteria that you must satisfy. One, you must be qualified enough, at least a graduate. Postgraduates like us do a better job there! and if you are an MBA then you will enjoy it all the more, so what if all of the last few months you were waiting for some exciting work..!

As i said, sitting on a bench is very difficult. Let me elaborate. When you are sitting on a bench, you are not expected to do much unlike the bench in school or college where you were expected to at least answer the professor's questions. And if you were occupying the back benches, u were more in the target area of the bombarding questions of the professor. But on this bench, u will not be asked any questions, nor are there any expectations. The reason being very simple - You are merely Inexperienced Enthusiasts, and enthusiasts always occupied the first few benches in class, remember the forever enthusiastic geeks!

Next, you get loads of money for just warming the benches. So you will not even feel like getting out of class! Coz in another class, u might have to occupy the first few benches and you might get lesser money!

Ok.! Now lets come to what you do when you are sitting on a bench! Well, when you are on a bench, then the times-they-are-a-wasting! You can indulge in all your hobbies! You haven't read a book in a long time.. what u saying? Being on bench, you can be an avid reader!!

When you get bored of reading a book, you can just stare into outer space and wonder - " Why the hell am I here? What am I doing here? Why? What? When? How? All these interrogatives will fill your mind and rid you of all the boredom.Then you can get back to reading the book you were reading. You can keep yourself terribly updated with news. Every morning after you record your entry into a noisy square device, you can sit an stare at the newspaper for hours together.

You can also touch base with all your friends while you are sitting on a bench. How? C'mon thats not tough. The Internet and the fixed local telephone line at your desk will come to your rescue. You can keep looking for people on your internet messenger and disturb them once in a while. And if they have also been mastering the art of sitting on a bench, well! then nothing like it! You can sit and talk to them for hours together!!

Remember the days in school when you were not feeling too well and the teacher said - Ok! Sleep with your head down! So, precisely what I am trying to say is that when you are sitting on a bench, you can sleep with your head down, with no teacher telling you to wake up. Doze off into your own world of dreams, anytime of the day!

Let me tell u the scene when you enter this bench-art-seekers' world! You will see these mortals trying very hard to perfect the art.. and since u must not disturb, you will find these "hardworking" souls with a headphone on. Whats playing on the headphone is a different question altogether..! You might just hear someone listening to some Knowledge and learning sessions or you might also hear some person trying to sing with his nostrils. Don't worry, these are recreation mechanisms followed all over this land of wannabe bench experts!

While you are mastering the art of sitting on a bench, you can also master some other areas, like possibly Income tax, because thats one of most discussed topics. You could also look at other professions like Coffee and Tea tasters because while u are mastering this art, you are also trying out different coffee and tea varieties, where one cup of tea lasts an hour, coz of course you want to kill time.

Some people in this land can also entertain themselves by playing a computer game; you could keep digging a gold mine for hours and then you could contemplate as to how to get a mighty large game like Some empires on to this cursed machine; you can think of some electronic devices like disks, pen drives etc. Mind you, everything in this land is electronic! its all technology. So before you create any noise, you must remember - 'Techies at 'Work' ! '; Work is the keyword there!!

Sometimes these benchers are invited for meetings and sometimes they are not. Of the tons of e-mails that they read throughout the day, most of which are supposed to be ignored by them, there will be one relevant mail. The meetings happen after millions of rescheduling but don't you dare ask them the output of the meetings; they will not tell.

Since a desktop machine is your only saviour, you look for all kinds of entertainment here. From internet messengers to other websites. Remember the proxy that you used to put in class, which the back benchers were great at putting. Here you are all enlightened on a different kind of 'proxy'. You know which proxy site to use to enable access to one of the most famous blue and pink colour social networking site. The moment the entertainment hijackers block one of these 'proxy' sites you figure out another one. After all, how can you live without all the crap called scrap!!

Its a difficult art, but the rest is for me to know and for you to find out.....
Good luck!

Work... 3 weeks..

Three weeks into work, my own cubicle now, the internet starved me gets access to Internet at her desk;

Inspired to write this by a friend of mine, here's my experience into what they say is the big, bad corporate world.

6th May I enter this royal 300 acre Campus.. rains and an amazing weather give me a warm welcome. Excited I am to know what the experience will be like for me. I am gonna stay for the next two weeks in this plush campus, an almost 5 star room.

The excitement seems to fade away soon, buildings and fountains can excite a person for only so much time...

The training begins and MBA seems to repeat, with personal communication classes i wonder what i did those 2 years.. i wouldn't mind these sessions again, jus gimme my friends here as well...

Money comes into the picture with words like CTC, Gross and Net thrown around from day1.. my colleagues discussing tax calculations, I'm lost in my own world. When I return to the discussion I find myself no where and get up and go to grab a coffee.

Coffee has become my staple drink and its just a way to run away from work for a few minutes or to get my mind back into the IT world.

I learn to ride a bicycle and people around me see me all enthusiastic, I wish i could tell them that when I'm cycling and the wind is blowing over this 300 acre gold cage, it takes me to Calcutta and to Delhi at least till the time I can see that ts time to park it on the cycle stand.

My day starts with idly and ends in dosa.. I miss my Mom, her food was so much better!

I feel that this is not where I am supposed to be, that its just a matter of time and I will be where I am happy.... just that this feeling leaves me soon and I start wondering - what am I doing here?

People around me discuss 'being independent'. I say to myself - " Bloody Hell..! I dont want to be independent. I want my friends and my family to be my support system. Where r u guys yaar, i wanna have some fun! "

No Internet access, before 9, after 5... here, not there,.., no orkut , no this no that... dont walk on the grass, dont do this... rules, rules and more rules...!! it suffocates me sometimes... Missing the perpetually on laptop on my desk with no rules, anytime access!

My phone is on roaming for 2 weeks since I feel I'll be leaving this campus soon. The phone on roaming is almost useless.. , caught in this circle of salary and money I cant even talk to people when I feel like. I get to know after 2 weeks that I am finally located at this same place- Mysore. I cry out for help.... I wanna be in Bangalore, will somebody listen?

Ok! i have come to terms with Mysore as my location. "Come on Sweta, Bangalore is just 2 hrs away!" FINE!! Here i go to the Hutch Shop, buy a Corporate connection and I am so so happy..! Didnt know a phone connection would gimme so much happiness.. at least i can now call my friends wenever i feel like... One day, I make STD calls for a few hundred rupees..! Money cant buy happiness, did someone say that?

They start discussing Telecom now... ! Some one is a Telecom Manager, some one a Telecom Engineer...Me only a mibile phone user... will it do??

There was a time I wrote some poetry... my poetry has died a silent death...now when i sit with a pen and paper in hand, the paper remains blank till the time I get lost in my thoughts again..! No words to express.... verbose prose like this, after about 3 weeks is all I can manage...

Sometimes I close my eyes and I wish my friends could be here... I open my eyes and find none of them.. I pick up my mobile phone and call one of them, but its too silly to tell them what i jus felt.. Let me take this opportunity and tell u that i really really miss u a lot.... !

I walk into the Book Shop in campus and plan that this is the book i'll read next week, this the week after that and then this and then this.... I used to read, once upon a time....

Music in my life is now zilch... ! i seem to enjoy the DJ who plays here sometimes..., jus because its music, music starved I am... will my wannabe Dylan friend come to my rescue..! ?

My weekends are spent sleeping, washing and ironing... along with that some movies like 'Kya Love Story Hai' and 'Good Boy, Bad Boy'.... dont worry, my taste in movies is still the same;its just that the multiplex here screens these movies and I have no choice.... Can i look for movies on the LAN... ? will someone send me a movie over IP?

i wanna go bak to IMI days... i wanna take up a job in Calcutta... i wanna be with my friends.. come over yaar, we'll sit and chat..! we;ll discuss some songs, some movies, some books... we'll go for breakfast and eat something thats not south Indian... we'll chat on gtalk for hours.... !!

I dont want so much money... if my life is gonna be as shallow as this... i want to read, i wanna write... , i wanna watch some brilliant movies... i wanna discuss music and books... ! i wanna eat home food.... ! i wanna meet my friends.. i wanna sit with my friends and talk for hours... i want some nice long beautiful conversations..! Come someone to my rescue... come will u??

Its been a while

I sit with a pen and paper in hand
A heavy heart and a vacant mind
I try to pen down my thoughts
Words fail, I seem to be able to write not.
Its been a while, I tell myself.
A while, yes a long while.
I miss so many things, so many people
This seems to be just one of them.
I'm nostalgic, very.
Someone come to me,
This nostalgia might just kill me.

Stay

We have to move on in life, they say.
Then why do I want to stay?
Why the insecurity about the future?
Where is the excitement? Why the fear?
Let Go! is just so easy to say.
But why is it just so much more difficult today?
People change, life moves on.
Different people keep coming into our lives.
There are some that leave an impact
There are some who fade away.
Cynical I am, I don't trust my memory.
I wonder when it will betray
And take these beautiful memories away
And so I want some people, some places and some memories to just stay.

What Lies Ahead!!

"Hey, i'm getting bored..."
How many times have i heard this from myself already this year?
What is this phase of life, I wonder?
What lies ahead, I fear...

"Hey, time has stopped it seems"
With nothing interesting happening
My sleeping hours extended
I have just too much time with me to dream..

"Theatre is 150 bucks, lets watch the movie on the LAN"
With ten of us in one small room,
Giggling and watching fourteen movies
In a one week span.

"Hey, I am short of cash
Lets window shop.."
With so many of us over one cup of coffee, I think..
Sitting in a coffee shop.

Those pay cheques will be coming in soon
Forget the cash
Wallets and purses will be full of credit cards
And it will be time for some bash..

Money there will be, but no time
With one meeting after another queued up in line.
When you call up a friend he will then say
"Sorry friend, no time today.. Maybe some other day"

The big screen will be affordable soon
A large Coke and Popcorn won't be luxury
But where will I buy time and where my friends
Thats precisely my worry.

What lies ahead, I do not know.
Do i want to know , I dont know.
Do i actually want time to stop?
Maybe I do, I really don't know.

My realisations

I’ve realized....

That no matter how I feel about someone, it is impossible to express.

That no matter how unhappy I am, the world won’t stop for my grief.

That my parents love me like no one else can, but that does not mean that they understand me totally.

That the way things worked for my parents, things don’t work that way any more because the world is 25 years ahead now.

That my parents may disagree with me, but they still are the only people in the world who love me most.

That no one in the world is indispensable; the World will not stop functioning even if I don’t exist.

That someone may be very important to me in my life, but it is not necessary that I will be equally important to that person.

That I thought I was the most important person in someone's life but they have found new people now and I am important no more.

That a lot of people seem to like me because they have selfish interests.

That don’t expect anything from anyone, expectations are the cause of all pain.

That sometimes I have to smile even when I want to cry.

That I should greet everyone with a smile, no one cares if I am unhappy, they simply don’t like seeing a grumpy face.

That I can’t trust everyone to let out my innermost feelings to them.

That I should not take for granted the people who love me, I might realize later that they are the only people who actually love me.

That all decisions seem right when I am taking those decisions, in hindsight most of them appear to be wrong.

That it is best that some things are never said.

That every day I grow as a person.

That it is alright to feel stupid at times.

That I am not a child if I shed some tears.

That everyone doesn’t deserve my tears.

That there are times I feel lonely, I should'nt cry out for help. I can't leave my loneliness alone.

That I have only one life, i will live it on my own terms.

That Life is good, Its not so bad after all. !!!!

ENJOY LIFE!!

I wonder!

Haven't really got the time to sit and ponder.
What is this phase of life? I wonder!

The season is changing.
Am I changing? I wonder!

My mood is upbeat, my heart is at peace.
Is it the calm before the storm? I wonder!

Its been a while since my eyes were wet with salty water.
Why am I missing it already? I wonder!

I live in my self created meaningless world of dreams.
It dosen't take money to dream, does it? I wonder!

I have become a stronger person.
Why do I still have fears deep within? I wonder!

I'm not as emotional as I used to be
Why am I feigning a smile? I wonder!

I am loving this phase of life.
How long will it last? I wonder!

Another year

This year the vivid red of my heart changed colour,
This year the brightest colours seemed duller.
This year the lips and the heart got inebriated,
This year I felt both empty and satiated.
This year sometimes my heart skipped a beat,
At times the ground was shaken below my feet.
I sat on the steps with a friend,
At times when the pain knew no end.
I found warmth in loved ones' arms,
The storm in the sea was suddenly calm.
This year at times silence was beautiful,
Though there were times solitude was painful.
This year I laughed till the stomach ached,
I also cried whenever the heart ached.
This year was eventful, forever it seems,
I saw many nightmares and a few dreams.
As the sun sets at the horizon,
To rise again next year
I pray to the Almighty,
For another eventful year!